“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
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Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Simple
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.