@ThaJawn

(Kid’s Bday Party)

Kid: Who are you?

I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!

K: *puts cake down, runs away crying

*eats his cake

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@a_lolbrarian

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

@iAmDelFreaky

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

@alexisthenedd

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

@MsNitnots

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

@Brampersandon_

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

@iJesseWilliams

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

@Angibangie

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!