(Kid’s Bday Party)

Kid: Who are you?

I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!

K: *puts cake down, runs away crying

*eats his cake

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I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?


So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.


“Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!” – Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.


Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.


*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is


It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.


Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.


I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.


Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.