Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together