Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Bobby pin
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Breaking news:
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”