Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
thanksgiving should be called feaster
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.