Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity


ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen


God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!


Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.


A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching


Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*


GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking


Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.


The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”


What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.


If, as a child, you’d told me how many cookies I’d be accepting later in life, I’d have imagined adulthood to be quite a lot better than it actually is.