Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
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The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Made something I’m not proud of
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks