kids be like: ngudksowkmdcjc
me: huh?
they mom: he said he want some chips

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her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia


My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.


If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.


Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.


Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret


The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.


All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.


whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush


Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.