if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
You Might Also Like
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.