My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots.
The burger was dry but the fries were decent.
Kids….because who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of “What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?”
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Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
It’s been 4 years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else
ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: the eagles won last night
Co worker: oh did you watch the game
Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Boss: What is your best trait?
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.