@Ms_WhateverV

Kids….because who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of “What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?”

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@SteveSuckington

My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots.
The burger was dry but the fries were decent.

@Paxochka

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

@colebuer

It’s been 4 years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else

@Brampersandon_

ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about

@catstronomical

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

@rudy_mustang

Me: the eagles won last night

Co worker: oh did you watch the game

Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game

@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.