i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
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This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Yup.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.