Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
#ProTip
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.