@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

@CakeThrottle

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

@LeahTiscione

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

@ThatManBobScott

But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing

@BrandonVine

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

@therealeatwood

[Enter Password]

drapes

[Re-enter Password]

carpet

[Error: Passwords must match]

@KevinFarzad

FYI guys: If a girl plays w/ her hair while talking to u, it means she has an itchy scalp, possibly lice. Stay away, it is very contagious.

@c12h22o11balls

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad