Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!


4: Unless I had ketchup.


Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference


I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry


But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing


*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!


Me running away: Renewed!


[Enter Password]


[Re-enter Password]


[Error: Passwords must match]


FYI guys: If a girl plays w/ her hair while talking to u, it means she has an itchy scalp, possibly lice. Stay away, it is very contagious.


The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad