An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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Sorry I borrowed your duck lips to pull a dent out of my car.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”
Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.
Me: Do you walk with a limp?
Me: Want to?
Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.