@Bandersnaaatch

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

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@QwertyJones3

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

@gingerfaced

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

@ShaneKnowsStuff

The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

@daemonic3

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

@ClichedOut

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

@pilau

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

@shahnischmani

Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”

@PeaceInTruth1

Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.

Me: Do you walk with a limp?

Telemarketer: No.

Me: Want to?

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.