Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Brands during Pride
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.