@WhaJoTalkinBout

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

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@eeethanford

Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?

Dad you’re an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it’s literally all you guys talk about

@Office_Dolt

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

@ehdannyboy

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

@Shade510

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

@GlennyRodge

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

@the_tsai_guy

People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose