Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
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19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Air pods looking like an angry frog
it’s either covid or clever vampires
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.