kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

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Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.


2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out


I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.


Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.


Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.


The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.


Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.


HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!


DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!


Is there an apology card for: Sorry I kidnapped your dog and made him run on a treadmill to power my toaster last week, or no?


I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?