Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?
Dad you’re an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it’s literally all you guys talk about
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose