kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.


[public execution]

Townsperson: these are always so morbid

Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*


wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”


In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.


my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community


Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.


Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.


Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–