@WhaJoTalkinBout

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

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@nPhelendriqal

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

@refreshingslurp

[public execution]

Townsperson: these are always so morbid

Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*

@KeetPotato

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

@KentWGraham

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@StephJoLanders

Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.

@OrdinaryAlso

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

@vangobot

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–