Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
#Caturday
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.