“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.