Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.


23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles


Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!


People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…


I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull


Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king


Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.


I love that the boat is stuck because every other piece of global news is so hard to comprehend or explain.

The boat? It’s just stuck. Stuff won’t go. Boat needs to be not stuck. That’s it.


Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.


Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want