I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
*Gets pulled over by cop*
*Cop removes glasses*
*Both start successful trap house*
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]