Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.