@onion_an

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

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@ArfMeasures

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

@TheIronSherk

Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are

@ravenswng_

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

@TheBoydP

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

@adamgreattweet

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

@WheelTod

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

@iMikosnyc

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

@jazz_inmypants

as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.