@onion_an

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

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@GriffonTaylonYo

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

@AlanFelyk

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

@Yung40Ounce

*Gets pulled over by cop*

“Papers?”

“Scissors”

*Cop removes glasses*

“Rocks?”

*Both start successful trap house*

@Philosopherbing

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

@ninatreemonkey

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

@ericsshadow

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

@bonehugsnirony

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]