Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps


Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are


If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.


I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…


I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car


[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]


Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.


as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead


My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.