Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them


No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.


[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming


Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?


I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??


Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: Going to be honest here. I have a wife and 2 young kids. I want an hour on a couch uninterrupted. Go get a sandwich or something.


*pentagram starts to glow*
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*


Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u


A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.


[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.



Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.