
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
The true danger of video games.