Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.


[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost


My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband


‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work


Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.


*wakes up drenched in sweat*


Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.