Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
How it started How it’s going
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño