If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
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FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
The true danger of video games.