@1Happytwit

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

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@jtrulez

To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

@QwertyJones3

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

@tiffstevenson

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@ScottLinnen

Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire

@UncleDuke1969

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

@DaddyJew

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.