To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Do you want contact-free delivery?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.
Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Cats being cats.