Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“and how does that make you feel?”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.