@1Happytwit
@jtrulez
To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.
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@jtrulez
@Skoogeth
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
@QwertyJones3
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
@UncleDuke1969
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
@tiffstevenson
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
@HorryPuttor
deer diary:
day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.
@ScottLinnen
Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire
@UncleDuke1969
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
@DaddyJew
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
@_youhadonejob1
Cats being cats.
