Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in