Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey