Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

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I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.


I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.


Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that


I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”


Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.


Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.


[sloth wedding]


[six months later]



Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What


Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.


A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.