me: *getting down on one knee*
my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening
me: *tightening my velcro strap* what
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
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Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I’m now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
*walks into lift*
Guy: going down?
Me: I’ll need a first date for that.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.