Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.