@AndyAsAdjective

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

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@AngryRaccoon2

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

@MarfSalvador

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

@TigNotaro

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

@AKenyanDude

If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra

@Midgetspar

When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.

@SortaBad

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

@khook32

Apparently telling the principal that “it’s not cheating, it’s cooperative learning” was the wrong thing to say.

@chuuew

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

@ceejoyner

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.