Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
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*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment