Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
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Only a mother’s love …
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.