“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Camping tip: No.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*