“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Never forget.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.