Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
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what it’s like dating me:
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
accurate
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Ah..makes sense now
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week