Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.

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Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun


Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?


My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…


Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me


M: alright yea im a lil high


Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic


Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.


People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin


coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what