@myles_morrison

Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.

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@2friedroomies

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

@0hJuliette

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

@MissNaughty1801

My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…

@DaddyJew

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

@WheelTod

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@murrman5

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what