I’m not chubby, I’m alt skinny.
Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.
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Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
M: alright yea im a lil high
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what