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@myles_morrison: Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.
@KateWhineHall: Your metabolism after age 40 is like, "Nah, I like you fat."
@Karate_Horse: I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn't
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why don't we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it's dangerous
@ecorno2: You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don't carry around a shovel
@Schindizzle: The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.