Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
u spoke cat all this time??????
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!