Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
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Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I laughed at this way too hard.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Our lord and savoury.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above