Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.