I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS ??? ???????? ?????? ?? ???? ???? LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Exercise gets your heart rate up. Anxiety gets your heart rate up. Caffeine gets your heart rate up. You’re not better than me.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Going down on a woman is the best.
The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…