Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?