@MissHavisham

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

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@RoosterMustache

I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

@pisscop

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS ??? ???????? ?????? ?? ???? ???? LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

@samalmightysam

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

@ginnyhogan_

Exercise gets your heart rate up. Anxiety gets your heart rate up. Caffeine gets your heart rate up. You’re not better than me.

@MehrangizC

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

@UncleDuke1969

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

@13spencer

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

@chagger73

Going down on a woman is the best.

The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…

@WienerToboggan

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

@jctwritesstuff

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT