Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Breaking news:
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!