@Pro_Jones_

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

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@bazlyons

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

@costaggini

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

@Young_Litigator

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

@TheRolo

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

@jonesination

“The Ugly Duckling” has a great message.

Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.

@LizHackett

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

@divatulips

Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.

@Jandalize

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.