Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.



cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston


I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”


And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”


“The Ugly Duckling” has a great message.

Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.


I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.


Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.


I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.