Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
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Life with a cat in one tweet
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.