@Mr_goose007

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

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@LucyLouMcB

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: thatโ€™s my bandaid

@MsTexas1967

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

@SamGrittner

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

@mattytalks

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

@sarapascoe

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

@sirmunchie

Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*

@E_lok44

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

@mrjohntofu

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.