Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
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Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful
Me: Ham sanitizer
I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean