Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”


Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: thatโ€™s my bandaid


Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit


“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief


A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing


When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.


Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*


Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.


Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)


Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.