Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
*has no idea what a book even is*
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
This is painfully accurate 😅
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
thanks auntie mary