Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do


[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*


In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it


[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]


she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen


I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.


peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*


First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no