Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
You Might Also Like
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.