Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

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Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.


I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.


Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?


4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”


Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.


Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no


Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat


Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.


I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.


SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*