@TuffyNyC

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

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@david8hughes

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

@CornOnTheGoblin

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

@shkeeber

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

@envydatropic

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

@Cycloptomese

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

@shutupmay

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

@RYGdance

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

@Holy_Mowgli

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

@PopeAwesomeXIII

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no