Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
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3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
hi why am I like this
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere