Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use