Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
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The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman…always go with Batman
Coworker: Guess what day it is?
CW: Guess what day it is?
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?
God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I wish my car could put its hands in its pockets and whistle when I drive by a cop.