@meganamram

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

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@metickleu

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

@Andrea__B__

The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman…always go with Batman

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?

@shariv67

God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.

@dumbbeezie

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

@buhsbaby_baby

Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.

@AmericanGent69

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

@sofarrsogud

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

@thesulk

I wish my car could put its hands in its pockets and whistle when I drive by a cop.