“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
7: it’s not fair
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?