Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?


I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.


The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”


[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]


Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.


Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.


Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.


Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?