@AmishPornStar1
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
@dadmann_walking
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
You Might Also Like
@AmishPornStar1
@jctwritesstuff
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
@Shade510
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
@Marlebean
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
@StevieKnip
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
@theNuzzy
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
@maconthemoose
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
@NewDadNotes
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
@simoncholland
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?