Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”