Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
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One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!