Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
step 6: release the wall snake
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
She was REALLY feeling it.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.