[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep


Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson


I was worried I was going insane, hearing voices of disembodied demons bidding me to do their will. My pet rabbit just confessed she finished a book on throwing her voice. What a relief! I thought it was weird that all the demons wanted me to do was bring carrots to Hairy Potter.


Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*


Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic


I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.


A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-

Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark

…Ok a FISH is-

Pix: YES.


Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL



My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.


First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.