[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
A classic…
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Well, that didn’t work.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear