Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I was worried I was going insane, hearing voices of disembodied demons bidding me to do their will. My pet rabbit just confessed she finished a book on throwing her voice. What a relief! I thought it was weird that all the demons wanted me to do was bring carrots to Hairy Potter.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-
Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark
…Ok a FISH is-
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.