KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Put a ring on it
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
did it work
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine