Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”