Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone