@realHamOnWry

Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.

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@Darlainky

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

@thexythara

If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.

@trutherbot

2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

@UncleDuke1969

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

@bessbell

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

@pittdave13

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

@frankzulla

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming