Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
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If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
The dark side of Canada
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
A game married people play.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.