Kids: Stay in school.
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?