LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.