@PawnYourLife

Kids suck. Even God gave up after only having one.

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@POTerritory

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

@MrDaveGibson

In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I’d NEVER make it as a writer.
Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I’m ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp

@SirEviscerate

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

@2tickytacky

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

@Merman_Melville

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

@jenniferfralic

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

@loudmouth_usa

I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I’m around 104 alcoholics

@Darlainky

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.