Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Don’t make me out nice you.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
#NeverForget
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.