Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
You Might Also Like
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed